Thursday, June 22, 2006

p.26 Not time, just yet.

It would be so wrong for me to not say how I am feeling now. I have a kid who I worry about even more than I even did before - because now it’s the medically balanced person making the decisions- will they be healthy for her and put her to test in the right way?

The little lies have started; you know the ones they do to make you feel better about them. The job wasn’t great, she walked out, so now she doesn’t have work, even though she told us she had two lined up for sure. She doesn’t have money, she doesn’t have food and she doesn’t have medicine. She did say she was walking to the drug store to buy “a pill” when she could. She gave up her free meds for life, so someone else could use the program because she was doing so great! It was the first time I wanted to smack her - I couldn't believe she gave this up. This medication is very expensive and I was afraid she would end up like this because of her past job security and insurance. She is trying to get it back, but the social services she receives now that she's out of the mental health court are not as individually focused.

It’s at that point where it’s getting hard again to trust here, I hate that. I want everything to be smooth and right for Da. She has worked so hard and come so far, it’s just amazing the challenges this child faces, most of us would have our own little decorated shopping carts parked under an overpass somewhere with all our worldly possessions.

Little tiny lies to make her look good so we’ll be proud of her at work… hummmm, we are already proud of her so those aren’t necessary – or do you start to wonder if it’s something much more, could she be starting to feel a bit grandiose?

We have no problems telling Da what a really rotten decision it was to just up and quite her job with out another one lined up… in her normal reply… “She just doesn’t want to talk about it”. It makes you wonder if her bad decision making will be like "the job" more immature type ones - or could we be starting to see that "other manic" decision making process which becomes the kind that hurt people/self?

I am sure I have mentioned Da’s kindergarten teacher mentioning to us at our first conference about the fact that Da was a space cadet – well honestly we were a bit taken a back by this until she explained... she said “Space cadets are up there piloting their ship through some universe that most of us will never visit, but an Air Head… well, they can only be a passenger.”

This time around when the ship takes off can she now navigate as an adult, through what lays before her? Or should she just switch to autopilot and strap herself in?

Is it going to be our history now that manic years repeat themselves and the circles become vicious? I don’t think I am ever going to know how to react, nor know what to expect.

I did take my “Sherlock Holmes” box off the top shelf in my closet, dusted it off and am getting it ready for whatever it is that I am watching right now.


Blogger ewschott said...

Whew... lesson to self...

Never write to your blog when it's so late at night and your weepy! I hope you catch the changes.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Phyllis said...

What about the boyfriend?

2:38 PM  

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