Friday, April 14, 2006

p.24 A time for new beginnings!

I know, I know… such a long length of time to hold my breath and not write here - it was certainly worrying about the “jinx” thing, I had to sit back and watch Da ride out the storm, or sail the calm – not a mothers favorite way of boating.

It was important to me that she, one - stay free of drugs, two - not get arrested and three, the biggest thing of all – actually make it through her 21st birthday. There was a time in her life I didn’t think she would make it this far. Did I say how proud I am of her?

Just reading over the post for the year here, I really can’t believe that anyone would have the gumption and tenacity to accomplish what she has in such a short time, I think many would give up, it’s been hard as a parent to not at times… whew, talk about guilt.

As a parent I would face moments of giving up often, you know, at the time when the phone rings everyday and your stomach goes into knots just knowing it’s the school principal. Especially the times when it is, and you have to leave and pick her up so she can get to the emergency room and be admitted immediately. These are the “why me” times, the times when you sob so bad your dog comes to check on you. These are the times when you forget that others have it harder than you and you should feel blessed, these are the times when you think it’s all about you and forget it’s about her. These times make you really feel like a rotten parent, because I guess as a mother, you shouldn’t ever feel that sometimes kids can be pretty rotten, no matter if it’s out of their control or not.

Watching the sparkle in Da’s eyes now is certainly reassuring; watching her lose weight is scary. Seeing that she is in line for her third promotion since Christmas is reassuring also, but it does not make me stop praying for the best each day. She is doing so well that I have to tell my self “baby steps”.

She brought the movie “In Her Shoes” over for us to watch one evening. It pretty much implies a relationship between sisters when one of them might have a mood disorder. The biggest thing I remember about this movie was a poem one of the characters recited by ee cummings:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

As her mother, I must be honest – I do wonder when the sparkle will return to my eyes too.


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